Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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