I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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