genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
