I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
