Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
