I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
