last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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