You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
