You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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