I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
