Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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