I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
