where am i from again
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
