he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize