it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
