If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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