I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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