I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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