Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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