My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
