what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize