Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
