He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
