Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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