If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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