One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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