I am spending my child support on dildos
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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