so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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