I haven't been this sober since birth.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
