he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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