I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
