just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
