Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
