I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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