I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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