idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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