Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
