he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize