She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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