Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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