Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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