this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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