She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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