well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
