sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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