I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
