i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
