i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
