Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
