Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
