there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
