I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
