You're my little dorito
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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