I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
