a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
