I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
