she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
