im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My cat gives me a boner
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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