No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
