Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
