If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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